How We Caused the Zombie Apocalypse

In case you’ve missed the news this last week, there have been some really bizarre stories of cannibalism in our media. Alexander Kinyua allegedly killed a student at Morgan State University and ate parts of his brain and heart. And then there is the gay porn star, Luka Rocco Magnotta, who dismembered his former lover. And the really strange Mao Sugiyama who served his own genitals at a banquet. Yummy!

Finally, Rudy Eugene ate parts of a homeless man’s face before being shot to death by police.

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(Credit: Miami-Dade County Medical Examiner

Eugene’s mother protested that her son was “a nice kid”. Of course he was. It wasn’t his fault. If you don’t understand, allow me to explain.

When I was a kid there were 30 to 40 cows wandering around the pasture behind my house. There were more down the road and if you preferred chicken or turkey, we raised them ourselves. Pigs, too. Drive around our town and you could see your next meal, or maybe next month’s meal.

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These critters are much faster than people!

By that point in our history we could no longer rely on wildlife. Even for someone like me who could kill and clean and prepare wild animals for food, there just weren’t enough available to eat every day. We needed livestock to survive. But then the cows disappeared. Where did they go?

Somewhere along the line advertising grabbed hold of us. We started rushing in a pack to buy what everyone else was buying. We scarfed McDonald’s hamburgers, ignoring the occasional bone fragments and cartilage because everyone else was eating Big Macs and fries.

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Farmers faced relentless price competition and wrung every last penny out of the livestock lifecycle. It wasn’t fun being a cow anymore. Or a small farmer either.

The little guys who made lean fresh hamburger and tender juicy steaks went out of business. We got so focused on all the hype, the big yellow signs and red packaging that we ignored the great products that were right in front of us. They were so much better, but we we were blinded by 30 second commercials.

The guy down the street gave our money right back to us when we fixed his car or sold him bread or babysat his kids. We ignored all that for cheaply made, overly-processed food and that little guy went bust.

Something else happened while we weren’t paying attention. The pack has made us dependent on the economy for our very survival.

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This scares the Sh*t out of me. Why? Look at our economy. Look at Occupy Wall Street and the unrest in Greece. If our economy comes to a screeching halt, if our currency is suddenly no good, we’re going to get hungry. REALLY HUNGRY. Imagine if beef shipments from Texas stopped for 3 weeks. What would you eat if the supermarket was suddenly empty?

People would realize their next meal is walking around right in front of them. But it wouldn’t be cows. It would be people. People wander on every city street. If you want to find one, their houses have lights that show you the way to them at night. They don’t even run when they see you coming. And they are made of meat. What could be easier?

These cannibals in the news aren’t degenerates or freaks. They are just a few years ahead of their time.

There is one thing you can do to prove them wrong…

Look for little vendors who make great stuff. Your local dairy farm may be gone, but you can still find neighbors like me who will sell you a book for $2.99 when the big guys want $12.00. Drive to the local hardware store, or farm stand, or independent restaurant instead of one of those chains.

You may discover what you knew a long time ago. Local stuff is BETTER than McDonald’s and Wal*Mart. A lot better.

Buy local. It may cost a little more sometimes, but it could save you from being eaten!


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